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Increasing the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events

Using senses and similes in descriptionsAm I adding too many unnecessary “actions/descriptions”?Does the narrator sound childish?Is this story worth publishing?Improving the flow/rhythm of the following comparisonHow can clarity and flow of long sentences be improved?How can I implement more show less tell in my writing?How do I narrate the events in a fantasy novel?Hooking the Reader. Feedback NeededHow to punctuate dialogue tags with action descriptions

2

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.

I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?

creative-writing flow sentence-structure

share|improve this question

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

New contributor

yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
  
  – Chris Sunami
  3 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
  
  – yocu
  3 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

2

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.

I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?

creative-writing flow sentence-structure

share|improve this question

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

New contributor

yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
  
  – Chris Sunami
  3 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
  
  – yocu
  3 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.

I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?

creative-writing flow sentence-structure

share|improve this question

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

New contributor

yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

share|improve this question

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

New contributor

yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

share|improve this question

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

New contributor

yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

edited 48 mins ago

Cyn

12k12661

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

New contributor

yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

asked 3 hours ago

yocuyocu

262

2 Answers
2

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3

There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.

I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.

share|improve this answer

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

add a comment | 

3

Welcome to the exchange.

To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.

Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.

A quick example:

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.

"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.

Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.

Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.

"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."

Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.

share|improve this answer

edited 11 mins ago

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784

add a comment | 

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3

There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.

I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.

share|improve this answer

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

add a comment | 

3

There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.

I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.

share|improve this answer

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

add a comment | 

There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.

I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.

share|improve this answer

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

share|improve this answer

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

answered 3 hours ago

Chris SunamiChris Sunami

31k340112

3

Welcome to the exchange.

To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.

Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.

A quick example:

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.

"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.

Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.

Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.

"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."

Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.

share|improve this answer

edited 11 mins ago

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784

add a comment | 

3

Welcome to the exchange.

To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.

Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.

A quick example:

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.

"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.

Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.

Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.

"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."

Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.

share|improve this answer

edited 11 mins ago

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784

add a comment | 

Welcome to the exchange.

To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.

Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.

A quick example:

Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.

"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.

Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.

Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.

"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."

Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.

share|improve this answer

edited 11 mins ago

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784

share|improve this answer

edited 11 mins ago

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784

answered 2 hours ago

DPTDPT

14.3k22784